I have taken up a new pastime: modern jive dancing.
Dancing of any kind has always been something I’ve been terrified to do. It’s just so…revealing. To be expressing yourself with your whole body. There’s just so much potential to look ridiculous. I don’t mind looking ridiculous, but it has to be on my terms. I’m OK looking ridiculous if it’s because I have chosen to. I’m less keen if it’s because I’m screwing something up. In addition to that, I am quite socially anxious, particularly when it comes to interacting with women. So dancing with partners would be particularly intimidating for me.
But I have of late become keen to challenge myself, to try new things, learn to overcome my anxieties and to try and sort out some of what I am not happy with in life. And so when, a few weeks ago, I learned that a local dancing group were running a free session, I decided that I should go along, as it would be a great opportunity to face my anxieties and try something new without having to spend anything.
So, rather apprehensive, I went along. The initial beginner’s session went all right. By the end of that I was feeling cheerful, pleased that I’d given it a try, but doubtful that I’d come back. Then we beginners split off for a beginners’ review session while the more experienced dancers stayed for an intermediate lesson. By the end of the beginners’ review, I was beginning to get more of a feel for what was happening. I wouldn’t say I was getting the hang of it as such, but there was at least a sense that I was starting to make progress. And so by the end of the evening I was less sure that I was going to leave it at that as a one-off.
Against going back was the fact that it costs £8.50 a week. When you’re trying to live on JSA at £65.45 a week, that’s a fairly substantial expense. Also it clashes with open mic night at Fat Lil’s. But at the same time I had enjoyed it and it seemed a shame not to carry on for at least a few weeks until I had got a bit better at it, and so could better assess whether it was something I enjoyed or not.
In the end I went back the following week, and again this evening for a third session. And I think it’s beginning to click. I mean, sure, I’m still not very good yet. Obviously I wouldn’t be. But it’s starting to feel just a little less awkward and a little more natural than before. And consequently it’s a little more enjoyable. So I will keep going for now.